The Syndrome of Digressed Bachelors

The recent swine flu may be sweep­ing the Western world. Post-modern secularism and New Age mantras are getting wide spread. But a large sec­tion of our congregation has been gripped by an even more destructive virus that has assumed epidemic proportions. This terrible dis­ease, technically termed as SDB (Syndrome of Digressed Bachelors), is more commonly called ‘disgruntled’ or ‘disgraced’(cf. Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary).

Symptoms: Gas (blowing oneself up) is the most common indicator of SDB. Persons afflicted with the disease emit large quantities of hot trumpeted air particularly at pub­lic meetings, homilies, press (if at all), electronics media (SC, and internet on personal computer) where the atmosphere often becomes foul and noxious because of their emissions. They get caught up within its self-created whirlwind. The gas (airing pride to be printed and televised) discharged becomes espe­cially violent as it puffs up. Consequently, it affects the brain. This is seen from several indica­tions, one of which is, these Salesians dash madly busy in ‘doing,’ releasing huge amounts of hot air at every location and at each successive success. This is known in psychological term as ‘ego’ crazy.

Other symptoms include delu­sions and hallucinations. SDB suf­ferers often believe themselves to be very important persons, the best of all religious lot. Recently more Salesian appointment at the Vatican has blown it up. They have the fantasy of having a right to live in the best and spacious houses and institutes, stone pebbled roads and run around in cars self-driven. A sure sign of SDB is taking credit for the strangest things. For example, a SDB-afflicted person says he is re­sponsible for the growth in the economy of the province, or the eradication of poverty around, or for preserving the Salesian charism and the country's culture. The technical term for this bizarre phenomenon is 'inflammation of the ego'. Unsurprisingly, many of them have a ten­dency to tamper with Salesian history. Some­times, these symtomic patients are gripped by a longing to save the world, with many of them confusing them­selves with Mother Teresa.

Doctors say that the most common physical feature of the disease is the progressive disproportional stomach, because the SDB-afflicted persons have a prodigious appetite. That is why they very often appear to be all puffed-up except those who do daily jogging. Itchy fingers, swallen legs, and diabetes are yet other physical man­ifestations.

In the most virulent cases, the symptoms ap­pear very early. Those afflicted with SDB syndrome often utter non-salesian terms. Some Salesian ac­tivists try their best to ensure their ‘descendents’ too learn them, but with little success. A rumour from somewhere indicates that a diseased member come back to send down the message again and again. Of course we all dream!

Who is at risk?  SDB usually afflicts the middle aged, with the disease erupting in full flower when a person is 70 years and more. Recently, however, there have been quite a few examples of younger persons being stricken with the virus. There are also signs that it's genetic, since it is often seen in several generations of a ‘vast family’.

Anyone in touch with them can become a victim of the disease, but recent trends show that those with a weak ‘constitutional’ background are most at risk. The SDB truly worries us. However, it is also true that ordinary people too can be infected with it but with a variation.

The cure: There is no known cure for SDB, although some say they were cured after listening to the Rector Major or reading the Acts of GC 26 and 27. They point out, though, that this therapy is available only to few.

The good news is that those afflicted can often be quarantined in certain parts of provinces and in the cosmopolitan capitals, where they hibernate before becoming infectious all the more. But the best news is that this illness-and-cure patterns continues on ends till the whole system is immuned to the virus. Till no one knows really that such virus exists! No antidote is available either!

(adapted from Manash Chakraborty, Hindustan Times, 9^th May, 2009)